In a couple of days...

In a couple of days, it will be Valentine's Day.

The only significance this has for me is that I will be working that day. It's going to be a busy one. Which leads me to my point.

Pressure is what drives most of our decisions – societal pressure to conform. Valentine's Day – and most other "holidays"– is the time when businesses make the most money. People have no qualms about forking out; purse strings are loose or have altogether come undone.

People don't have to buy into the hype, yet they do so, regardless. This behaviour is the perfect way to understand the way we make decisions.

My brother flew out 3 hours ago. This depresses me, for lack of a better word. I feel so forlorn without him here. Most of this has to do with my own feelings of inadequacy and those stupid insecurities. My brother is the type of person who is comfortable with himself, he identifies his strengths and he plays them up, he knows his weaknesses and he accepts them.

Today we were making fun of each other, like we usually do, and I said something to which he responded, "I am under no delusions". Although he was responding in that particular context and he was just playing along with the joke, it made me think, "yeah".

He really is under no delusions. He knows who he is and he's okay with it. He doesn't let his shortcomings define him or contain him. He doesn't let the opinions of others make him value his own attributes any less. Most importantly though, he doesn't let life get him down too long or keep him down.

I wish I were more like that, more comfortable with who I am.

But I'm not. I give in to societal pressure, I let other people's opinions make me feel inadequate.

I'm one of those people who make decisions, not because they are right for me, but because I'm overly concerned about what other people would think.

I don't want to be that person, I want to say what I think I should say without the fear of judgement. People will always judge you, but at the end of the day, it's hard to live with yourself when you know deep down that you're only ever going to be as good enough as you think other's think you are.

The perpetual quest to be good enough.

I don't know why...

I don't know why I stay up so late and then feel so tired at work the next morning.

Force of habit, I guess I just can't sleep when it's time to.

Lately, for some reason, I get hit with the urge to blog at 3am. It's a horrible time to blog because my addled brain isn't properly processing and structuring my thoughts. I tend to talk shit for a good hour or so and then delete it all, call it a night and stay up a long while trying to fall asleep.

Despite being much older now than I was when I first started blogging, the reasons for my writing a blog haven't changed as much as I can sometimes fool myself into believing. I turn 24 in less than 4 months, I am almost officially in my mid-twenties, yet I still don't feel like a grown up. I have friends with children, friends who are married, friends who own shit – you know, homes and shit – and I still don't feel like a grown up.

When I was growing up, I always thought I'd be smarter by the time I hit 25. Smarter about life and things, I mean. But it kinda hasn't happened yet. I will probably never feel grown up.

I'll be 40, halfway through my life and still not grown up. This isn't a comforting thought in itself, but it is a thought nonetheless.

Thoughts can be good.

But only sometimes.

End.

I should sleep...

I should sleep, I have yet another long day ahead of me, tomorrow.

But I've just been thinking.

Thinking about a few things. It's all constructive, none of that pointless worrying about shit you can't do anything about. I've been thinking about stuff I can actually change. Mostly my attitude and my perception.

Since I finished high school, one of my biggest worries was making the wrong decisions. I have proved to myself time and again that there is no such thing as a wrong decision, it's just the way the cards are dealt. Yet this fear has been so indelibly ingrained into my psyche that is is impossible to escape.

I have been reminding myself that everybody started somewhere; many people didn't ultimately reach the ends they envisioned from their vantage points in the past, but they didn't end up nowhere, either.

I'm my own worst enemy right now. I'm self-destructive and impossible to deal with. I hate it.

I don't want people to be delicate with my feelings anymore. I want a good kick in the head so I can wake the fuck up. I want someone to be honest with me and not give a shit about my ugly temper. I want someone to tell me to just stop cooking up all these hair-brained schemes and man the fuck up. Get the fuck out of my own head and get the fuck on with my life.

I want someone to tell me their real opinion instead of agreeing with my stupidity.

Tell me exactly what they think.

That's what I want. I want a rude awakening. I am tired of sleepwalking through this depression.

It's pathetic of me to rely on someone else to wake me up, but I have been trying and I can't make it okay.

I'm admitting that I need help, I just don't know how to get it.

I should try to sleep.

Fuck.

Do you ever just wake...

Do you ever just wake up tired?

I guess that's the only word I can think of to describe my daily existence, lately. I'm tired. A general, blanket feeling, wrapped around me tight and gradually drenching me in a clammy sweat while I slowly suffocate from my reluctance to move and disentangle myself. Too hot and it's getting uncomfortable.

But I can't seem to break out of this incessant cycle of things.

I'm not complaining, really, just reflecting.

Some days, I am alright with not being alright. Other days I take issue with my apparent lack of direction. The alright days are becoming more frequent, but I'm not altogether sure if that's actually a good thing.

Knowing me, though, I could be happy if I chose to accept things the way they are. I'm teetering dangerously close to the edge of disillusionment. I don't care enough to come away from the ledge, but I'm not ready to fall into the abyss below. Not ready for the unknown, yet I have no idea where I'm heading.

There's a fine line between most contrasts, the grey areas in between are vast and ambiguous. That statement was paradoxical. Most of the time, though, it's all just grey.

A day at a time, and before you know it, enough time has gone by for you to truly appreciate the insignificance of everything you once thought mattered.

Today is just one of those days where I wish things had turned out better. These days aren't rare, but they are infrequent. Most days I'm content with my lot, though I don't think this is necessarily a good thing. I don't need a saviour, you know, just need to learn to float better and save myself.

Inadequacy most fittingly describes my ailments.

Inadequacy is the bane of my existence.

I'm really tired.

Circumstance can be...

Circumstance can be such a fucker.

One thing about life is, given enough time, you can eventually move on from almost anything. The weight of certain situations dissipates as time weathers your senses, it dulls and it thins until you're numb when you think about an incident that almost killed you, once upon a time. Desensitisation is a horrible reality.

I don't mind not being affected by certain things like hatred and anger, anymore. But I can't stand the thought that I would eventually move on from losses in my life that should destroy me, completely. I'd rather be broken forever than to come to terms with losses I can't even bear to think about.

Death makes me think too much.

I am probably an insensitive assbucket to admit that I haven't the slightest clue how to be there, right now.

I'm still going to try my very best, though.

Oh fuck, I just miss you so much.